Being a boring old fart with nothing better to do with my life I have decided to bring you some of the best current offers in our supermarkets, for your information. I am not on commission - just boring!!

Offers from Tesco:
Quaker Sugar Puffs (320g) £1.55 2 FOR 1

Tesco Finest BBQ Drumsticks & Thighs (600g) Half price at £2.00

Chicago Town Takeaway Footy Feast Pizza (810g) Half price at £2.99

Offers from Asda:

Cathedral City Lighter Mature Cheddar (200g) £2.17 any 2 FOR £2.00

Kellogg's Rice Krispies (600g) £2.43 2 FOR £3.00

Nestle Shreddies (500g) £1.98 any 2 FOR £2.00

Nestle Honey Nut Cheerios (375g) £1.98 any 2 FOR £2.00

Pepsi Diet (2L) £1.45 any 2 FOR £1.50

Fanta Z Orange Zero Added Sugar (2L) £1.47 any 2 FOR £1.50

Lilt Pineapple & Grapefruit Fruit Crush (2L) £1.46 any 2 FOR £1.50

Offers from Sainsburys:

Various Patak's Original Curry Sauces (540g) £1.52 any 2 FOR 1

Various Patak's Original Curry Pastes (283g) £1.49 any 2 FOR 1

I can certainly vouch for the quality of the products, but cannot be held responsible for anything else. These offers I believe may end on Tuesday.

Todays news is most definitely of the tomfool variety. Crazy. Wacky. Zany. Idiotic.

Lets start with a parking warden. They really are a breed on their own. This one was using a calculator to decide whether it was time someone had a ticket!
Stop laughing at the back there - 'tis true, I swear. The calculation went something like this:
the warden tapped in 14.49 (the time the car was left)
and added 75 (the minutes the driver bought on a parking ticket)
Total 15.24,
and according to the parking warden the parking ticket had expired at 3.24pm (1524), which was some 17 minutes before he returned to his car. DOH!!

You dont believe me? read it here

Illegal immigrants are not going to be held behind bars because of soaring costs. Instead they will be bailed until they are due to be sent packing back to their own country. The cost of their bail? £60 I am quite sure they will all turn up to get their bail money back!!

I do like a good insult, and so to end the day I quote this:

"Which brings us to Caroline Flint. Only in the Wonderful World of Westminster would this old boiler be considered something of a sex symbol.

I guess if you spent your life looking at Margaret Beckett and Ann Widdecombe, you would start to fantasise about Caroline Flint.

But frankly, she's always struck me as a hatchet-faced hag in need of a good wash. You'd have to drag her through a sheep dip full of Swarfega before I'd climb over Pole Dance Polly to buy her a candlelit supper. The ugliness comes from the inside, as it does with most of these gormless harridans.

But I can only assume she must be there for her looks. Because her brains aren't up to much."
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1035028/Is-human-life-Planet-Labour.html

Beautiful, makes life worthwhile.

from my weekly shopping trip!!

Hot, sweaty and stressed. 90 minutes to travel 3½ miles!!!!!

Did my bit at Tesco, as per usual. Next stop Asda in sleepy ole Farnborough. Usually about 10 minutes down a very fast stretch of dual carriageway. Ninety minutes later I pull into Asda car park.

The Farnborough Air Show!!!!

I was told by the local radio station I shouldnt complain because it brings £19million into the local economy. Well it cost me an extra £5 in petrol and 3 years off my life with stress and high blood pressure - can I have some of that £19million please?

And all that so that the warmongers can buy and sell more efficient killing machines and the morons can destroy our air quality and use up our fuel resources even more quickly!!!!
I think Gordon brown, instead of complaining that we ordinary folk waste too much food and shouldnt use our cars so much, should ban all flying by engined aircraft!!

I think I need a long cold scotch and ginger with ice cubes and then a nap - cya later

We have already had the announcement on knife crime, knife wielding moronic thugs to visit knifing victims in hospital.

Today Hilary Benn, the Secretary of State for the Environment, tells us that high petrol prices are good for us because it will stop us using our cars so much! Maybe that is the thinking behind the ridiculously high prices of life saving drugs for cancer and other conditions. If the prices are too high we will stop getting the disease? It is the same sort of half baked idea this government would up with.

While we are at it, lets add that positive spin to other matters.
Make baby clothes expensive to act as a contraceptive device?
Lets make bicycle tyres so expensive and get cyclists of the roads.
Maybe we could also make entering elections expensive, and NOT give the entry fee back, and get rid of these stooooooopid idiots that run this country!!!!

Whilst I have the pen in my hand....... what about this nonsense that Drs are going to give alzheimers patients nicotine tablets to help restore their memory?
I have been smoking full time since my eighth birthday...... now what was I going to say!!

Besides which successive governments since Thatcher came to power have spent billions trying to get us to give up smoking..... are the filter tips coming home to roost? Is that why we have seen sich an increase in alzheimers in the last 25 years?

I am aghast!! Dumbfounded!! Bamboozled!!

Have we re-entered the 14th century with regard to crime and punisment?

Such barbarity as the new penalties announced today are unheard of in the 21st century in a civilised nation!!

For those who have not heard the news:
Youngsters, carrying knives, with the intent of killing or at least seriously wounding someone, (there can be no other excuse surely) are to be sentenced to...... visit hospitals to view previous victims of such violence!!!!!

They may also be required to visit prisons to see others convicted of similar offences!!

What planet have I woken up on?????????

Perhaps paedophiles should visit childrens homes and let drunks have a day out a brewery!!!

The Prime Minister and Home Secretary are this weekend cobbling together a plan to stop the proliferation of knife attacks and killings. These measures will be announced on Monday.

So here is my prediction for a news report on Wednesday:

Newsreader:
After another four men are stabbed to death in London, are we right to worry that knife crime is becoming an epidemic?
It is the scourge of our cities, according to many observers, with each day seeming to bring a new fatal attack.
Twenty teenagers have now died violently in London since the start of the year, including some at the hands of guns and other weapons.

Prime Minister:
Er excuse me er there havent been any stabbings this week, and nor will there be.

Newsreader:
But just yesterday, outside this very building a 16 year old was stabbed and died and outside your own office in Downing Street an asian was killed by stabbing.

Prime Minister:
Er er er, no, actually, erm er, the there was an incident outside this office erm erm but I am reliably informed it was a juvenile altercation with fervour and the dispute outside my own office was inter racial conflict with dissolution of life.

Am I treating this subject too lightheartedly?

I dont think so. The point is that government solves nothing except by reclassifying offences so they make criminal statistics appear better. It is a normal trait of the labourous prattus genus who have more fraudulent, misleading circuitous verbiage than a spinning top!

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayers accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers Compensation board.

This is a true story. *

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the buildin. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Gordon Brown is persisting in his attempt at political and social suicide. I think the mad fool should be locked up!!

How dare the old duffer, who can race a penny dropped from a skyscraper to the bottom and beat it, tell us we are wasting money on food thrown away.

The real waste of money on food can be found in the Houses of Parliament/Lords restaurants and the G8 and no doubt other government summits where the worlds' leaders gorge themselves like pigs at a trough.

The poor of this nation (and I should imagine, the world) know how NOT to waste money on food. We are not like John Prescott the only grossly and morbidly obese bilumic on planet earth who used to spend £80 a week on personal food shopping for himself.

My waste this last week was about 15p worth of lettuce which had gone off, about 15p of cucumber, again gone off - that is my lot!!

Yes I recycle leftovers. I make double batches and freeze half - I heat up for supper, or have the next day for lunch anything that is leftover from lunch.

No Gordon, look at the kitchens and rubbish bins of YOUR class - my class can't afford to be wasteful!!

Have you noticed when there is a serious accident or incident, after its conclusion the police or some other local authority will turn round and complain it has cost so many millions of £££££'s and they need the government to give them more money.

The truth is that in real terms it has probably cost ten bob AKA 10/- AKA 50p for a bag of sand to soak up the engine oil!!

The policemen (whose wages and training are included in the 'cost' factor) will have been paid anyway because they were on duty. Their training was paid for however many months/years ago when it was undertaken. The same applies to fire fighting/rescue personnel, ambulance staff etc etc..

The principal financial costs in a road accident are the fuel used, bandages used, etc etc.. It is not even honest for authorities to claim the cost of vehicle removal as this is paid for by insurance companies.

This is all just another reason why authorities and politicians have lost the public respect, another example of their brazen deceit!

The gym is still working out well - an hour or so a day, plenty of sweat and pain - lost 3½kg somewhere along the way

Missus fell out of bed during one of her 'episodes' on Tuesday last week, and has busted a rib. Jeez, I never realised so there was so much to running a home.

I whinge and moan occasionally but its ok really - I am just a lazy tyke!!

Righht - must go and do the washing up - will pop back when a woman's work is done