I took a massive overdose of sleeping pills in July, unfortunately all I did was sleep.

I desperately want to leave this earth and go to be with my wife, but my survival instincts say get help.

So I have been to my GP twice and all he says is get over it.

I have phoned the local Community Mental Health Team three times but no one is ever available to talk, and they never phone back like they say they will.

I am not going to be an attention getter with 'false' suicide attempts, its not my style - so what am I supposed to do?

Perhaps I should just get on with it and stop worrying about whats right or wrong.

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Take suicidal thoughts for instance. You want to commit suicide, its not an attention getting thing, its just cos life is pointless.

But then, your mind tells you to call the Samaritans, the mental health crisis centre. But if you phone them you will most likely be talked out of it. But you dont want to be talked out of it because it makes sense and its really what you want.
So the fight NOT to call them takes over the fight to do it and when you have resolved the not to call battle, you are too damned knackered to do it now anyway and just wanna sleep. WTF!!!!!

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However, whilst I was sitting there sucking on a cold chip, and bear in mind dear reader that this was at 1 o'clock with queues stretching back to the digital photos machines (out of order), cameras, ipods and sat nav display, a woman was in the queue with three children. 2 of the little shits darlings were about 3 years old and the other was about 11.
Now imagine the scene, a queue half a superstore long, she must have queued at least 20 minutes and what does she do when she gets to the servery? She asks the little bastards sweethearts what they would like for dinner!!!!!

For those that have had children you can imagine the ensuing chaos. For those that havent consider yourselves very blessed and keep your legs crossed!!

She asked them what they wanted!!!!!! 15 minutes later she manages to find a table - thats right - she hadnt even sent the lad ahead to scout out a free table!!!! She was either a very inexperienced babysitter or she had blancmange for brains!!

Anyway, back to the story, So I get fed up after ten minutes of her asking the kids what they want and them being undecided and probably not really wanting anything (cos they have had Asda food before) and I go up to her. "Listen missus" I say "you dont ask kids what they want when the queue is half a superstore long, you tell them, you should know their likes and dislikes and you just order them what they are gonna have. The only choice they have is take it or leave it". I went on, "you should also have decided these things as soon as the menu was in sight. Now, give em a clip round the ear tell em to go and sit down on just one table and order their fiffin food." I got a round of applause from the rest of the queue and the diners and they had a quick whip round for me.

Eventually peace reigned. Talk about wooly minded liberals tho!!

By the way the last big paragraph is total bollocks but it is what I felt like doing and only my steak and mushroom pie (without any mushroom) held me back.

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Can you believe it is about 2 feet short for where I want it to use it now?? !!!!

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I have so much stuff to do at home I MUST NOT GO OUT TODAY!!!!!!

ok you gambling folks - 2-1 says I will be out of the house and down the road before midday and its evens I dont even last till 10am!!!

You can guarantee that:
1. My plans never work out
2. I will get completely diverted and be pleased to be so
3. I will then complain that my housework never gets done
4. I will get depressed and go to bed for the rest of the day.

Will today be any different? I doubt it, but we can always hope!

I met some of my neighbours yesterday:
Them: hello dere man
Me: Hi, I'm Terry by the way, moved in last week.
Them: Yea man, we bin seeing you
Me: Yea? I guess I get out and about a bit
Them: What you doing man?
Me: What now? Just got back from Asda - its gotta be done.
Them: no man, I mean what you doing?
Me: Going in my flat - by the way did I say my name is Terry?
Them: Yea Terry, ok man, be cool.

What the f*** was all that about?

Later in the day (when I went to Argos) I came out of my flat to find about 50 (I presume Muslims) men lined up along the road, between parked cars, on the pavement and in the middle of the road, all facing the same way, some had flip flops on and some didnt. Some were standing, some kneeling, and I thought I was in the middle of al qaeda convention.
I am very grateful I dont live in one of the houses the were facing. I probably wouldnt have gone out or else armed myself with my frying pan and the poached egg pan and leapt out like a wailing banshee!!

It is certainly gonna be interesting living here. I am the only white englishman in the street. I feel like I have moved into the United Nations Relief Camp.

Well lets see what the day holds - catch up with you all later.

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You see the dilemma? it is so difficult to make these fiffin decisions.

Ah, it would be 30 mins drive to out of town store and an hour to get parked in city centre. So a round trip of 1 hour versus a round trip of 2 hours.

OK - out of town wins on time. But I dont want to go all that way just for the shelving bits for my bathroom what else is there?

Comet! They got some nice new compys in - now the 1 hour round trip for £1.50 has turned into a 3 hour round trip for ££400.50 aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh

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Yup, Virgin media cable broadband, phone and TV!!

I have so missed cable. I had it at all my previous addresses until 3 years ago when I moved from Devon to Aldershot and have had to wait until now to be able to get it again. I had cable for about 13 years from when it was first installed in Torquay until Virgin took over and I moved to Hampshire in about 2006 or 7.
The reason I love cable so much? Because in the entire 12/13 years I had it I never had ANY trouble at all.
Now compare that with my BT line!!!! nuff said?

Virgin is the ONLY alternative to BT (unless you start talking about local wireless systems such as they got I believe in parts of Wales and Scotland). It doesnt matter which ISP you got, they ALL use BT lines.

Which is why I am surprised that BT is allowed to claim better connections and service, and gets so many awards for their service!!

Right, off to Asda, cya laters.

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Even today is not a day off. Daughter has gone on holiday seeing it is half term and we are left to feed the cats!! twenty mile round trip each time to do so !!

Where did I get the idea that being a grandparent was fun? It is a myth!!

I have decided not to spend hours each week tending the garden. Calming and relaxing it may be, it is certainly expensive though. I have decided to have a completely artificial garden.
Yes indeedy. I am going to save up a couple of hundred quid and buy a whole load of artificial flowers and plant them in decorative (non-terracotta) pots around the garden. Then I will save a further £300 and will swap the mossy grass for astro-turf!!
That's the way to do it!!

We already have a selection of beautiful tits (no not you missus ) visiting the garden and feeding from the seed and nuts. Its just such a shame that gardening stuff is so expensive - want it now!!

Right time to go feed the cats - cya later folks!!

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Of course one may have to make an appointment with one's Secretary to find a window to speak in (or is it through?) but nothing need change. One does have to take off ones shoes before entering the house proper of course. Only to be expected though - one cant have any old shoes tramping across one's genuine lookalike sheepskin shaggy pile can one complete with authentic label).

When you call James may answer the telephone, but be assured you will be speaking through my BT (or is it Betacom) cream coloured telephone with answering machine.

If one can find the right window we can have tea at the appropriate time of day alternatively one can often be found luxuriating inone of the faux leather settees at the instore Starbucks at the local sainsburys store.

Now stop your chattering and back to work good people.

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Yes indeedy. My local Sainsburys opens at 7am for those,like myself, who do not like to shop amongst the riff raff of the world.

Hadn't I mentioned it before? Oh yes, one now does one's shopping at Sainsburys. It is our only local supermarket apart from a rip-off co-op, likewise Londis and a Spar.

One had to throw out the old Tesco and Lidl bags - shame because the Lidl were the best of all - really strong!

We did pop into Waitrose and purchase a couple of their 'heavy duty' bags (rubbish really) and likewise with sainsburys.

One does still pop into Asda once a month for the cheap tobacco, Pepsi Max (when it is on offer) and a few other bits and pieces, but the car is parked at the far end of the car park and we usually wait till about 10pm when the store is pretty clear.

Not that one doesn't want to be seen in such a place - just that, erm, er, one doesnt like crowds - that's it!!

I want to go to Argos later and get a rice cooker. They have one at £9.99.

It is ok-ish to shop at Argos - but not buy a half price Cookworks item!! Maybe I could put my dark glasses on.

Anyway - doze time - cya latter

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The problem is that neither bankers nor government will learn the lessons because they are too busy with their snouts in the trough!

In my lifetime we have been through three of these 'slumps' and each time we come out of them the greedy bastards in the city dip straight back into their greedy ways with only one agenda - filling their boots!

There is a morality and responsibility attached to the financial industry which appears to me to be ignored by the vast majority.

One example of this: Will the Banks be as merciful to their debtors as the government was to them?

Will they heck as like!!!

Have a good day

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There always hordes of traffic wardens when you dont want one?

The cost of petrol never drops as soon as the price of a barrel of oil drops but always goes up when a price rise is announced?

Sky TV always goes on the blink when there is something I want to watch or record yet will work for days or even weeks without a blink through all the usual pap?

I dont think I will ever get the hang of this thing called life!!

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Those pantomime clowns, the muppets who claim to run this country couldnt organise a piss-up in a brewery and I have now decided to forget them - I wish!

I cant change the imbeciles and I end up with high blood pressure and a headache when I consider their antics. Therefore, I will try my damnedest to ignore their shenannigans and get on with my life.

The local shop wants £3.50 to deliver a weekly newspaper In your dreams matey - that means £4 a week for a local rag

I think the problem that has plagued the England football team for the last few years is at an end. We have a no nonsense manager now, even if he is foreigner, who tells them that there are no stars or celebs and if they want to play the knuckle down and play not prance around like a bunch of primadonnas. Well lets hope so anyway - and just dont bring back the Beckham ballerina!!!!

Right I am off to cook some dinner - catch you soon

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This was a reckless move and one which I would warn any diabetics against, in fact I would warn anyone suffering from an 'unseen' ailment against.

It is very true that I hadnt felt so good and well for nearly ten years. It is also true that after 6 weeks I was rushed by emergency ambulance into the local hospital with a head that felt ready to explode and pain to match. I was just about to have a stroke apparently.

I have learnt my lesson

I am of course, now back on the tablets and fortunately my new doctor (because of our move) seems much more concerned about getting my medication to a place where I can at least function reasonably well. It has only taken nearly ten years to find someone who will treat me and not just the diabetes!!

It turns out I lost a publishing deal for one of my books because I had posted excerpts of the book on a blog!! Be warned!!

well, it is time for second cup of tea - so I will say have a good morning and I will try to get back later. I will succeed so long as today is not a repeat of tomorrow.

I went out for 2 loaves of bread and came back back with bread, ham, washing powder tablet thingys, PLUS £50 of shopping from wilkinsons and lunch out for two ! Still it was a lovely day

I better go

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It took just 4 weeks to organise the move, and move however many tons of crap households belongings, chattels and cats - and 8 weeks to get internet connected!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We already have a robin visitng the garden regularly and the grandchildren are 12 miles away

Now that we are sort of settled (amongst the boxes) you will be hearing a lot more from me so keep your hearing aids switched on

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Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hotdog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms .
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my dress size, you f*cking tw*t"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going
to get it wrong.

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But what the **** has BMX'ing and wind surfing got to do with it?

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It is an interesting question to the brain dead and quite fascinating.

If the opposite of yes is no, and the opposite of up is down, what is the opposite of opposite?

In case you are super clever and solve that one before the next coffee break, here is another to ponder:

If there is an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?

Have a good day y'all.

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Question: what do you call a female daddy long legs?

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Question: why does mineral water that has trickled down through the mountains for hundreds of years end up with a use by date?

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How do the police handcuff a one-armed man?

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Blimey o'reilly!!!! I blew a gasket!!!!!

My bum let out such a terrific explosion of odourless (I hasten to add) gas - I am sure I did some damage!!

I havent heard anything like it since the IRA bombed victoriua station back in the 70's!!

Anyway, I slip an eye open and there is missus on the ceiling!!!!

So after peeling her off I burst out laughing

I am sure she hated me - I must have laughed my head off for 20 minutes when I then fell asleep.

She couldnt sleep so had to get up and do some womanly workings

I dont get many laughs so I really have to make the most of them when I do get them

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Now, she isnt a friend yet, but she made some interesting comments on several of them and I would like her to be a friend.

What a terrible reason to invite someone to be a friend. She feeds my ego!! She makes me feel good about me!!

I hope she asks to be my friend because I would jump at the opportunity!!!

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So got to doing some research on ye olde worlde webbe.

"Not so much a mini-stroke" says I, "looks like it could be a proper job" says I.

This was all after I was admiring my desirous physique in the mirror and noticed a bit of wasting of muscle in my left arm and what appeared to be a collapsed vein just around that muscle.

I hadnt thought about it before, but it tied in with something that happened about 3 months ago. I lost all strength in my left arm and my dinner tray went crashing to the floor. I thought it strange at the time but with all the chemicals the doctors had been getting me to swallow I wasnt overly surprised, and put it down to that.

Now I must start remedial action and start building up the muscle and strength in that arm again.

I am not bothering with the doctors. They have already intimated that if I was a house I would be demolished. It also doesnt fit in with my lifestyle philosophy. I just hope that when the time comes I will be as confident and strong about death as I am ordinarily.

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Contacted the landlady who gave us a viewing, knowing it would be snapped up I took a £650 deposit with me and slapped it on the kitchen table. "Oh good" she says, "you like it". "Very much" says I.

She picks up the money and counts it.

Now I am an old fashioned guy. Chap has the required cash, he is obviously serious. He is a nice guy, trust your judgement - all confirmed with a handshake!!

Done and dusted!!

The she asks for references!!!!!!

I have never given a reference for a job or accommodation in my 53 years of life - and I aint starting now!!

So I takes me money back and tells her to forget it. I am not a modernist, I like to live in my memories of the 70's. My word is my bond and all that.

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"A medical student with dyslexia is to take legal action in a bid to prevent the use of multiple choice exams as part of doctors' training.

Naomi Gadian, 21, claims the use of the tests discriminates against people with the condition and is challenging the General Medical Council to scrap them. "

I agree, I also believe it is wrong to discriminate against anyone because they dont know the answers, or cannot write clearly! All exam papers should come with the answers pre-printed and a little box to tick if you agree.

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For instance, yesterdays challenge was to answer the following question: 25 years ago, very few of us had personal computers, today we cant live without them! The same applies to mobile 'phones, sat nav (which I still refuse to have) and ipod. 40 years ago very few of us had microwave ovens, electric toothbrushes (yuk - the mouth is NOT the place to put things that vibrate and whirr), foreign holidays and table top grills, but now they are 'essentials' in every home.
The question is this, why? Why do new inventions take over our lives and become essential to our lifestyles to the extent that life appears unbearable without them?

The answer: I dont know but it filled 10 minutes of the day thinking about it!!

There is actually a serious answer, and if I can be arsed I will expound on it later

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Seriously tho - do not follow my example!!

I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in November of 1999. Immediately put on all sorts of tablets - and not a days good health since!!

I have been tired, run down, aching, sleeping badly, depressed, shakes, fatigued, farting like its going out of fashion - everything.

The doctors just recently have been treating me like shit. My diabetes has never been 'controlled', sugars have always been high, cholestrol high - and guess who the doctors have been blaming? me!!!

So, pissed off with the situation, I decided a week ago to stop taking ALL my medications except my happy pills!! I can tell you from the heart of my bottom I have never felt better!!

ALL my feeling bad has increasingly disappeared as the drugs left my body. I now have more energy, no aches and pains that I thought were me getting old before my time.

OK, I might be at more risk of heart disease but I feel so good at least if I do peg out I will go happy!!

I dont know if my diabetes was bullshit, or if the drugs were just shit - but I feel like I did when I was 25 - watch out ladies!!

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It has been an interesting period of ponderation and I find that there are two possible answers.

1. Cos there is bugger all to get excited about!!

2. Cos we have to wait so long for the right to be able to do it!!

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The politicians gave us so much bullshit at the time about healthy competition and improved services etc etc., yet again they have been proved oh so wrong. The politicians (who claim their power bills and transport bills on expenses) are trying to empathise with us normal folk but their comments ring hollow.

Water, gas, electricity, our own oil, should all be re-nationalised and charged to us, not at market prices but at non-profit making cost.

This is not a socialist philosophy but a just and humane system.

We should also learn the lesson, before France buys a controlling interest in our electricity generating industry, NOT to allow foreign companies to control such industries.

Are our politicians really so stupid as to sell our gas and oil abroad and then buy it back (more expensively of course)? Yes!! It already happens!!

Just think for a moment - when the French workers at EDF have a strike, will it spread to the UK when EDF buy a controlling stake in our electricity industry? Of course it will!!

Maybe we are reaping what we have sown over the generations. If you believe in karma (what goes around comes around) then we most certainly are suffering for our financial interference and moneygrabbing attitudes in South Africa and the rest of the African continent.

If we are to suffer as much as the fiscal suffering and injustice we have inflicted over the years, then we 'aint seen nothin' yet'!!

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